Christmas

I am lost. I don't feel like myself anymore. The young naive girl I used to be. So lost in my own imagination. Now I feel as if i've triggered my own thoughts to be so cynical. I used to be an excited little girl, so happy at christmas time. I woke up at 4 in the morning just to open presents, Dad would make hot chocolate for me and sara, Teddy would be wagging his tail, My beautiful grandma would smother us with love, Grandad would be standing over us watching with pride, and mum would be helping out grandma with christmas dinner. It was just so warm and happy. Just very very happy. You know, i actually felt that Christmas vibe. But now i feel as if that christmassy feeling has been taken away from me, year by year. I'm a festive person. I like celebrating things that bring the family together. I am nothing without my family, but now i feel as if i've lost them all. As if i can't do anything to bring it all back. Family makes this special feeling, and now i don't know where any other them are. I don't know where they are. We're all just wandering in our own little lives. This year, i literally feel nothing. We're well into december, and christmas eve is tomorrow. Lat year, to this exact date, i forced myself to lift that christmas spirit within me, although it didn't miraculously make a big difference as it was only me again, celebrating christmas alone. I feel so wrong though. Christmas is a time for family. It always has been, and i want to spend christmas with my family - but i can't. But it's not only me living this situation, i think everyone who has been affected by the latest economical recession, lacks the christmas spirit. The current crisis is probably the biggest push factor to the lack of spirit at christmas. No one is happy. Everyone is stressed. But it shouldn't matter! What i'm trying to say, is that to celebrate christmas, you really don't need to go out and spend a lot of dosh. Who gives a flying fuck if you can't have a massive turkey for the center piece of your dinner platter - it's a dry and dull type of bird to eat anyway! What matters is that you are with your family, having a happy time, playing monopoly or scrabble - making your kids happy. As a child, christmas psychologically made my brain melt with such warmth of happiness, and yes, a factor is presents, but it was also the togetherness of the family. Pulling christmas crackers and wearing those ridiculous paper crowns, playing charades and scrabble, watching a christmas carol, going to watch the nativity play, etc. You don't need wads of money to do all that, that's the thing! Yes, the economy may have made us all very stressed, living conditions and all that jazz, but why should it have to affect your christmas? Literally, all i want to be doing right now is to spend christmas with my grandparents and sister, but i physically can't because of transportation and shit. If borderline control systems weren't so strict, i would hitch hike to get to england - i'm not even kidding. I'm just so far away. On the other side of the fucking planet. If i lived in france, i'd swim the fucking channel to get to england. But i'm on the other side of the planet, so it basically almost makes it impossible.