Christmas Day pt. 2

Hello! I'm back!

Well, anyway, i've never actually read the book; A Christmas Carol, so my comparisons may be a bit slightly off to your opinion on it, well, those who have read the book, and those who have processed the movie in a complete different way to how i remember viewing it as. My point is, anyhow, is that the movie was based during the Victorian era, where Great Britain was a country of industrial factories - very different to the very nice country we see today. Anyway, well, those that were living below the poverty line, well they actually enjoyed christmas, and that was because they spent it with their families, not literally spent their money!! So that's my point. So i hope you've all had a great christmas, with your families, not worrying about anything else, because you should cherish every single moment you share with your family... and how do i know this? Well, past me never cherished or took for granted of the moments spent with my family, and here I am today, separated from them at christmas, and yes, i only blame myself, and i believe in karma, and i believe this is karma, and i believe all i can do right now is be patient.

Anyway, i genuinely had a good day today. That christmas spirit was still lacking, i must admit, but that's because i wasn't with the rest of my family back in england, i believe so. Went out to the mall to eat pizza with some visiting friends from Hong Kong. Had a christmassy starbucks drink. Got to window shop. Pretty chill I believe.

Anyway, last reminder, if you're right now doing what i'm doing; browsing the internet with no absolute life at all, get out there and make your christmas. If you're in a situation like me (AND many others!), call up a family member, go out to a christmassy pub, do whatever that makes your heart filled with such warmth.

Christmas Day

Firstly, i would like to festively wish everyone a merry christmas! I hope you are all out there, spending the most joyful time with your family, eating roast chicken (as i prefer to - i don't like turkey), cracking christmas crackers, and playing charades or scrabble.

As only some places in the world are prone to having a white christmas, i know that those that live in the much more warmer regions may think that this will affect their christmassy spirit - especially those who originate from the colder regions, and have migrated to areas where snow is not a possibility. However, as i've stated before, i believe that in order to feel that spirit, you only need the love from your family and maybe a board game to bond over..., but that is all. As to the current economy crisis, debt should not effect your vibe. And how do i know this? Well, as a child, my grandad introduced me to the best possible christmas movie ever - A Christmas Carol. Now, i'm talking about the black and white original one, not the latest jim carrey one, but if you can't get hold of the original, the jim carrey one isn't that bad etiher. And the plot i think, is based during the victoria era.. if i'm not mistaken, where the difference between rich and poor was immense and poverty levels were just absurd... well from what i know of by reading books based during the time, during my english classes (i'm useless with history, seriously). Yet, in a christmas carol, Scrooge's assistant, forgot his name but his sick son is called tiny tim, well, he was quite frankly poor, yet he had the time of his life at christmas, and that was because he was with his family...

Anyway, i will continue later, as i am about to spend my christmas at a mall, in jakarta, with a bunch of muslims.

Christmas

I am lost. I don't feel like myself anymore. The young naive girl I used to be. So lost in my own imagination. Now I feel as if i've triggered my own thoughts to be so cynical. I used to be an excited little girl, so happy at christmas time. I woke up at 4 in the morning just to open presents, Dad would make hot chocolate for me and sara, Teddy would be wagging his tail, My beautiful grandma would smother us with love, Grandad would be standing over us watching with pride, and mum would be helping out grandma with christmas dinner. It was just so warm and happy. Just very very happy. You know, i actually felt that Christmas vibe. But now i feel as if that christmassy feeling has been taken away from me, year by year. I'm a festive person. I like celebrating things that bring the family together. I am nothing without my family, but now i feel as if i've lost them all. As if i can't do anything to bring it all back. Family makes this special feeling, and now i don't know where any other them are. I don't know where they are. We're all just wandering in our own little lives. This year, i literally feel nothing. We're well into december, and christmas eve is tomorrow. Lat year, to this exact date, i forced myself to lift that christmas spirit within me, although it didn't miraculously make a big difference as it was only me again, celebrating christmas alone. I feel so wrong though. Christmas is a time for family. It always has been, and i want to spend christmas with my family - but i can't. But it's not only me living this situation, i think everyone who has been affected by the latest economical recession, lacks the christmas spirit. The current crisis is probably the biggest push factor to the lack of spirit at christmas. No one is happy. Everyone is stressed. But it shouldn't matter! What i'm trying to say, is that to celebrate christmas, you really don't need to go out and spend a lot of dosh. Who gives a flying fuck if you can't have a massive turkey for the center piece of your dinner platter - it's a dry and dull type of bird to eat anyway! What matters is that you are with your family, having a happy time, playing monopoly or scrabble - making your kids happy. As a child, christmas psychologically made my brain melt with such warmth of happiness, and yes, a factor is presents, but it was also the togetherness of the family. Pulling christmas crackers and wearing those ridiculous paper crowns, playing charades and scrabble, watching a christmas carol, going to watch the nativity play, etc. You don't need wads of money to do all that, that's the thing! Yes, the economy may have made us all very stressed, living conditions and all that jazz, but why should it have to affect your christmas? Literally, all i want to be doing right now is to spend christmas with my grandparents and sister, but i physically can't because of transportation and shit. If borderline control systems weren't so strict, i would hitch hike to get to england - i'm not even kidding. I'm just so far away. On the other side of the fucking planet. If i lived in france, i'd swim the fucking channel to get to england. But i'm on the other side of the planet, so it basically almost makes it impossible.

SLA

You are about to read a post that not many siblings would write about their own brother or sister, because there is rarely any public affection between siblings, but my sister means the world to me. She is beautiful in so many ways that I applaud her for. It's her wit which helps me through situations i am not aware of, her very rare affection which makes my heart filled with warmth, her confidence which inspires me, and so many more positive influences she has made on me. I have seen the trust in family members come and go so many times these past couple of years, but the trust i have with her has remained since the day i ever understood her - even if she does make the most annoying decisions sometimes! She is my hero, and i wouldn't have gotten to this mental strength without her. Without her, i'd be in a mental hospital having a nervous break down. She never let's me down when i need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to tell me to not worry when i start worrying like my old grandmother. I trust a very little amount of people in life now, some may call it trust issues or whatsoever, but there are so many evil people in the world nowadays which never fear to backstab people, but my sister is not one of them. We are thousands of miles apart separated geographically by a massive stretch of land and a few channels, gulfs, seas and an ocean here and there, but it has made us closer. The relationship i have between my sister is something so special to my heart - something I will be devastated at if lost. My sister is my hero and I love her more than anyone.

The City Lights

I looked out the window on the 35th floor to see the most spectacular view of specs of light. Like massive stars making up another galaxy billions of light years away from earth. I played with my eyes a little, adjusting the focus. The comparison of how this city looks like during the day compared to that of night is too immense to even compare. Even the break lights on cars stuck in traffic looked amazing. The entire city glowed beautifully, but i know i'd wake up to a view of man-made destruction - something that was invisible during the night on the 35th floor. I would wake up to a view of yellow smog, car exhaust filling the air and a grey atmosphere.

I don't understand how people can completely flip the entire situation and make it seem as if it's now their biggest problem in the world when it only very discreetly regards them. The world doesn't revolve around you as an individual, you selfish beast.

A man disappointed because his wife just gave birth to a baby girl. The wife crying with tears of joy, the man actually crying.

Speculative (1)

It would be a very complicated and weird situation if Jesus 'came back down to Earth'. The Muslims would react and say 'Oh look, it's Nabih Isa coming back down to Earth to do what he didn't do 2 centuries ago!', and the Christians would react like 'Oh my god, it's god!', and the Jew's would be like 'it's my messiah!'. Very very complicated. Vice versa, he's still the same person to all those 3 religions. Not being a 'religion-ist' or whatever you'd like to call it, but if he's the same person that applies to all those religions, then why do those 3 religions in particular, always cause conflicts between one another? It baffles me, really.

Poverty

Eyes set in sore depression. A frown crinkled his forehead. Puffy bags beneath his unhappy piercing eyes. Sitting on the side of the road, he wore ragged old clothes and looked as if he hadn't had a shower in weeks. No shoes on, just his bare unclean feat. I can't imagine the quench of thirst that he desires, or the hunger he is facing. All i wanted to do was wrap my arms around his delicate fragile body frame. It wouldn't matter if he had done something morally wrong to deserve this utter treatment, but no one should have to bare with this. Yet, he is only 1 of 925 million living in abject poverty. He is a lost soul that does not deserve this.

Thief

Skipping around the hallway, the boy danced freely, careless and happy. His humble giggle echoed an aura of bright colours. So deep in happiness, he wore a confident grin. Others would find this so difficult to portray. A happy child prancing around the corridors, with a young adolescent immature mind. It was like watching a flower bloom, so deep with beauty. I continued to watch him, amused with all my soul, but caught off guard, a teacher came marching through and told him to quit. An incarnation of the devil, perhaps. Something so evil, anyway. Something that stole his happiness away.

VICTORY!

I am the happiest bunny alive right now.

On the other hand, COYS!

Tottenham v. Liverpool in less than an hour. I am so excited, it's crazy. Let's hope Adebayor and Defoe perform like they did last weekend, and that Modric isn't acting all diva-ish anymore. Can't wait to see Harry. Best person ever. My dad always said he reminded him of my grandad, who isn't with us anymore. I can see what he means now. Infamous gentleman George <3. He'll be having a party in heaven with Uncle Arthur tonight if we are victorious at White Hart Lane. Let's just hope we get the result we want. I'll be watching the game with my grandad's photograph next to me, just like my dad always does. :)

Celebrations throughout the UK and Ireland!

Ireland beat the wallabies yesterday, oh god was i ridiculously happy! I know us English don't bond that much with the Irish, but i think we share something in common, and that's wanting to murder the wallabies at rugby! Result for Ireland! Yay!

And victorious Wales! Amazing result for them! Especially against Samoa! Don't think we have any beef with Wales anyway, so i don't think i've ever hated them really. Ha

And last but blatantly not least, the best team in the world - England. Us roses thrashed those Georgians today.! My pick for man of the match has to go to two fab players on the England squad; Tuiligi and Hape. Also, i am beyond happy that Tuiligi, a rugby player from samoa, plays for us instead of Samoa, unlike his other 5 brothers! Ha! Great day for the brits and ireland. Can't remember when Sctoland's playing or when their last match was, but i think they resulted in a victory? Not sure! Roses forever, though.

Hoomanz

When i was a little girl, i wanted to have ginger hair and green eyes. Nowadays, it's not a physical change i want, it's the way i act i want to change.

Every year i look back on the embarrassing stuff i did the year before, and golly does it make me want to throw a brick at myself, but i guess this happens to everyone. Everyone wants to be someone different, whether it's physically or mentally. We just never learn to be appreciative, do we. Never satisfied with what we have, and always complaining about what we don't have, when we really should just be thankful for everything we have. But hey, that's humans for you i guess. We're all so selfish, and that includes me too.

Thank You

Over the past two years I have seemingly manged to knock down some of that great massive brick wall that blocked my way from fulfilling what i have always wanted. Individually, i have improved as a person. It's funny how some people only just realise their exceedingly selfish ways after something terrible happens to them, for i am one of them. Two years ago, i was in a better position than i am in today, now i'm not saying that i am not appreciative for what i have now, this is the point i'm trying to make. I was in a position where instead of complaining for what i didn't have, mostly useless crap btw, i should've been appreciative and be thankful for what i had. I have come to my senses now, and i am beyond appreciative for what i have. Well try my best to be, anyway. I am surrounded by an immense contrast between rich and poor, living in Jakarta. Luxury tall buildings which tower over the metropolitan cities are ants in comparison to the small estates that surround them. Now, you're probably thinking that that's quite impossible. Wrong. One apartment building is surrounded by a world of poverty just meters away from it. I haven't even discussed the amount of begging i have witnessed on the street. One thing my father always told me was that if they're selling something on the street, then you should always buy their product, because they are actually attempting to make an effort to improve their lives. Now, i still follow that rule, yes, but i still do give money to those who aren't selling anything. You can't ignore those people, because the government is too busy ignoring them already. I don't think i've ever seen any government houses in Jakarta, my entire life. I am just beyond clueless! Sure, there are some good-hearted people out there in this city giving these people a hand, but why is the government not doing the same thing? Or even if they are, why haven't they made this situation their number one priority?! The poverty i have seen in Jakarta alone, was enough to change my entire way of thinking. I am a very, very lucky person to have most of my family still here with me today. I am a very, very lucky person to be receiving education 5 times a week, and i am beyond thankful for many more things. It's taken 15 years of my life to be this current developing person i am right now.

It's only when something shit happens to you, when you finally realise your faults, and i am most certainly a prime example of that.

Apologies for the typos in my recent posts. Didn't bother checking them and they were really rough writing. I am not illiterate, okay.

Busy Bee

I am a busy bee right now. I have had tests everyday of the week. Stressful, yes, but school means the absolute world to me. I have started blogging again, well, on this blog anyway - I own a tumblr, but i would like to keep that private due to reasons my parents probably wouldn't agree on, regarding the things i post, i find hilarious, but they might not. Heh. Anyway, on that blog, i am not personal at all. In fact, the people that follow me on my tumblr-blog, only know me very, very discretely. I never post post's like this up on my tumblr-blog, eiether, because that is my 'for shits and giggles' blog, i guess. Barely any of it is my original work, too, i re-blog other people's work, with all credits going to them of course... i guess it's just different, here and tumblr, you guys probably wouldn't understand the concept of it, because it isn't really proper blogging, it's a much more modern way of blogging, i guess, which has it's positives and negatives- yes. Doesn't mean i hate the real way of blogging (This way), though. Anyway, i'll shut up about that now.

Last month, the riots in England escalated. To see my own country on fire, was absolutely devastating. I didn't recognise it - at all, actually. I am aware that out of my entire 15 years of life, i have only lived in England for one year in total, but i have always referred to England as my motherland. I love it there. I am happy there - well, it's different now because everyone's changed in my family. Some for the better, some for the worst. I miss the old times - the times where i recognised England, that beautiful country. Now, it's total chaos. People are different. The riots made me upset, yes. I think they made the majority of England upset - well, those who aren't selfish bastards, anyway. It's one thing to see your country being destroyed, but that didn't stop me from missing it. I miss that feeling of being in England. Where we ate dinners at the table every night, together, as a family. Now, i eat dinners by myself, at the table which seats 6 people. I miss that feeling of arriving in Norwich airport at christmas, and waiting at Schippol airport for my flight to Norwich - all jerked up and excited. I've never missed it as much as this, and i understand the reasons as to why i have been put in this situation, and those are my own personal faults, i know.

Anyway, there's this new teacher at my school, i'll just refer to him as PD (as the girls call him in my class, due to personal reasons... lol) and i do get very paranoid, because i am a paranoid freak and it would be beyond a cringe if he saw this post. Well anyway, he's English and there's nothing more comforting that hearing him talk. It makes me feel right back at home. He's not cockney, i don't think... i haven't heard him speak much at all, cos i don't have any lessons with him, but he's subbed for my english teacher once, and you know, it's one of those usual english accents, Londonish but not cockneyish, nor posh, of course. I did find something out about him however, cos i had the balls - as a girl - to ask him what football team he supports. It was kind of a dare really, between me and my football friends (lol), they're both guys, and it would've been normal if they asked, but it was such a cringe when i did... i didn't really care at all really, anyway. But anyway, he supports Tottenham Hotspur - the greatest football team that exists! Thank god he isn't one of those typical glory-hunters, that exist everywhere on earth now, who support Man Utd. But yeah, it does help that i hear him speak a bit (lol), cos it makes me feel a bit at home and makes me more patient. Hopefully, if all goes according to plan, i'll be in England for christmas with Grandma and Sara (my sister) this December. But i mean, i haven't arranged anything with anyone yet - money is a strain too. Maybe dad and grandma will come to an agreement to split it, but i honestly don't know, i just really want to go home. I miss is immaculatly, and when the fam over here are being absolute pricks (like they are being right now), the feeling just keeps on creeping up on me unexpectedly and it makes me upset.

Anyway, i shall be off. Soz for any typos, cannot be bothered to check it. Ha!

The Malevolence

I lay awake; beyond baffled.

What have i ever done to deserve this?

Night after night, I fall asleep with tears welled up in my eyes.

Loneliness creeps into the shadows of my room,

Mimicking my emotions,

I think to myself,

What have I ever done to deserve this?

Surrounded by such ignorant and insipid human beings.

The worst species that exist on this planet,

With the only intention to cause conflict.

Bruises all over my legs,

Eyes puffed up,

Fists swollen,

Throat sore.

I am exhausted, but no one can see it.

I am exhausted, but no one can understand me.

I am exhausted enough to let go.

Oh the ignorance.

Where is home?

I can never seem to find it.

I can never seem to find happiness either.

Why should they be missing in my life?

What did i ever do to deserve this?

Why can't anyone see that I am dying inside?

I walk around school with a grin on my face.

That's the person I am.

I am supposed to be a cheerful person.

But beneath that smile lays the trembling of a scared unhappy girl.

My laugh is infamous, yet behind that is an unconfident-unhappy girl.

My eyes memorable, but behind them is the story of an unhappy girl.

I am not the 'me' I used to be.

I didn't do anything to deserve this.